"There is no reason to suffer. The only reason you suffer is because you choose to. If you look at your life, you will find many excuses to suffer, but no valid reasons. The same applies to happiness. Happiness is a choice, as is suffering." (Ruiz, M.)
- Be impeccable with your word.
Words are magic, decrees, and projections... Be careful with what you say and, above all, with what you say to yourself. Remember that no one is crueler to you. The words we verbalize or think create us every day. Expressions of complaint turn us into victims; criticism turns us into arrogant judges; sexist language keeps us in an androcentric world, where men are the measure and center of all things, and self-victimizing disqualifications (poor me, I do everything wrong, how unlucky I am) defeat us in advance.
- Don't take anything personally.
Each person lives their own story, in which they are the protagonists, facing their own odyssey, living their own life, and resolving their own conflicts and personal hardships. Each person does this as best they can within their circumstances and limitations. Other people are merely extras in the story each person makes of their own life.
There's a lot of black magic out there, just as there is inside you, or me. In everyone, at some point in their life, at some point in their day. We're all emotional predators at some point.
"Taking things personally makes you easy prey for those predators, the black magicians... You swallow all their emotional garbage and turn it into your own. But if you don't take things personally, you'll be immune to all poisons, even if you're in the middle of hell," says Miguel Ruiz.
- Don't make assumptions.
We tend to make assumptions and jump to conclusions about everything. The problem is that when we do this, we believe what we assume is true and we build a reality around it.
"The way to avoid assumptions is to ask. Make sure you're clear about things... and even then, don't assume you know everything about that particular situation," insists Miguel Ruiz. Ultimately, if you let yourself be guided by goodwill, you always have trust... and acceptance.
- Always do your best.
The fourth and final agreement allows the other three to become deeply rooted habits: always do your best. This means that no matter what happens, we will accept the consequences with good grace. But we can always try to be impeccable with our word, not take things personally, and not jump to conclusions… within our physical, emotional, and general limitations at any given moment. If we try, to the best of our ability, that's enough.
These seemingly simple agreements are not, however, simple and require internalizing a change of attitude, and applying different perspectives to life. What better way to do this than to use the perspectives we see every day: those of our teachers and our children. I'll give you a very clear example from Andrea Mayoral, who says this...
When I finished reading these four agreements, I thought I could carry them out easily; they seemed so easy to follow. But soon I found myself scolding the children again, criticizing them for not doing things the way I wanted. And after the lecture I gave them both, I left them alone to clean their rooms.
But just as I closed the door I could hear a conversation that opened my eyes to that Toltec wisdom:
"Why is mommy angry?" the youngest asked.
"Because she thinks we messed up the room to annoy her," the eldest said in a low voice.
-But are you angry with me?
-I don't think so, she's just mad at the toys.
-With the toys?
-They must have done something to him, so that every time he sees them in the apartment, he starts screaming.
-But they haven't done anything to me, and every time we put them away they get very sad.
-Let's hide it under the bed. That way Mom won't scream anymore.
-I don't like it when mommy screams.
-Me neither. I'm scared. And when I can't play with my toys, I get angry, but I'd rather be angry than scared.
"I know what's wrong with Mommy!" the little boy exclaimed excitedly. "I think she doesn't like toys because she can't play with them anymore!"
A simple conversation that opened my heart and made me think that children see life like the Toltecs, and that if I could remember how fantastic it was to see life from a child's perspective, I would be able to put an end to the dictatorship of perfection that tormented my life.From that moment on, I've dedicated more time to playing with my children. Putting away toys became a fun game the three of us shared. Now I know I'm not perfect, and neither are my children. They do what they do because it's what children do, not because they want to irritate me. I haven't yelled at them again, or at least I've done my best not to. Every day I try to keep those four agreements, with my children, my husband, coworkers, friends, and with people on the street. Because life isn't perfect, and now I feel happier every day. (Mayoral, A.)